Time Flies
Jenny Russell had survived a trip to the battle of Waterloo and even an encounter with Napoleon himself. In other aspect of Jenny's life, her house, her car, her two kids, and most of all her marriage to her husband Max, she had faired much worse.
It had only been just yesterday when the Normandy invasion of 1944 had landed; when I say landed I mean appeared out of nowhere, in her eight-year-old daughter's sand box. And last Monday Jenny awoke to face, again out of nowhere, the Salem witch trials first hand. Being tied to a stake and called a witch were minor compared to the smell of manure, the smell that hadn't vanished in her living room carpet since the pony express had rode through the day before.
Time after time, Jenny managed to persevere. The strain on her relationship with her husband had taken a few steps back with her new promotion at work, which left her with runt time for herself not to mention her two kids. Max had suffered the most as Jenny's time was directed to other things.
Jenny was at her wits end when her husband had left to get a gallon of milk only three days ago and had since not returned. What was with this time travel problem she was having or was she facing the reality that Max-her husband-had left her and the kids? How worthy longer would she and her kids be held prisoner to this seemingly endless time travel?
"I've had enough," Jenny shouted, as Genghis Khan and his Mongol hordes marched through her prized azaleas. The Mongols were quite rude and smelled worst than the manure.
Jenny grabbed her kids, Martin and Karen, her youngest, and managed to hide from the Mongols as they rode toward the convenience store on the corner. Jenny did not care to wait to see if their raid on the slushee machine was a success.
"Is there anything I can do, mommy? " Martin asked, he was her oldest at twelve.
"I'm afraid not," Jenny replied. "Unless you can get us out of this mess."
Jenny turned to enter the house from through the front door, opened it and immediately fell to the ground as a barrage of arrows nearly found them embedded in her head. The arrows stuck in the wall behind her and the kids.
"Look Mommy," Martin said pointing to the family portrait on the wall. An arrow pierced her picture squarely between the eyes.
"Arrrgh!" Jenny screamed.
A swarm of flies buzzed around her filling the foyer with their noise. The flies had appeared about the same time as the strange time traveling events had. Jenny had placed flypaper and had used up several cans of bug spray, yet nothing got rid of the swarming flies.
"Mommy relax," Martin said. "In time they'll go away."
"In time..." Jenny snapped. "...That's just what we don't have."
"Wrong, time is what we do have, we have the old west, the Civil War, all the time periods of history that I am studying in school. My history homework has come to life and is happening in my bedroom," Martin tried not to sound too inflamed but Jenny could tell he was.
Jenny did not share her son's enthusiasm. Jenny wanted her life abet to normal. She longed for late night work meetings, fast food dinners, and PTA meetings at her children's schools, soccer practices, and trips to the grocery store. Jenny had never wanted to watch the Battle of Little Bighorn in person or really observe what a Tyrannosaurus Rex looked like up close-the latter reminding Jenny of the movie Jurassic Park with her in the starring role.
Jenny had been able to see the assassination of JFK up close and had only two words for those theorists out there "grassy knoll." Yes, Jenny had seen the shooters on the grassy knoll. However, this is not what she wanted from life. Jenny wanted to be the perfect mom, woman and wife.
She did not need to know why she and her kids were being forced to time travel. All she needed to know was how to put a stop to it. She had a business meeting or at least she had when this traveling started three days earlier. The kids were missing school and their homework had to be piling up by now.
"Mommy, mommy!" Karen cried. She was running down the stairs from her upstairs bedroom still clad in her pajamas. Under her right arm Karen carried a stuffed bear that had seen better days.
"What is it baby? " Jenny asked. Karen jumped into her mother's arms.
Jenny did not hesitate, giving Karen to Martin as she marched upstairs. Jenny had expected to open the door and see the eight-year-olds room, a typical six by eight room, decorated with the clowns, princesses, and toy dolls it was usually decorated with, only now it the room was filled by a man riding an elephant.
Jenny and Max had always wanted to gain the room bigger and even redecorate it. Jenny sized up the guest in her daughter's room while she tried to figure out his identity.
"Let me guess," Jenny began. "Hannibal? "
The room had the most unpleasant odor of elephant dung, which naturally attracted more flies. The room began to tremble under the weight of the massive beast: the light fixture began to rupture down from the ceiling, the walls shook violently, and the bookshelves that housed doll houses and books on teddy bears and princesses toppled over. Then just as swiftly as he had appeared Hannibal was gone again in a flash.
Jenny collapsed in her bullet-riddled recliner once back downstairs with her children surrounding her. Martin placed Karen to his mother's right as he climbed up in her lap. Martin played with shell fragments and spent bullet shells that had littered the floor.
"Remember the day this chair was shot up? " Martin asked of his mother.
Jenny said nothing in response she just hugged Karen tighter.
"That was the day daddy..." Martin began to say then paused, he was afraid that his father had left him and the others. He had decided not to inflict any more pain on his mother or younger sister.
Jenny maneuvered her children enough to hold Martin. She looked him in his eyes and said; "Martin, your father did not abandon us, you hear me? No matter how it looks or what you believe, you listen to me, your father will be coming home again."
Jenny did not know exactly who she was trying to convince herself or her son.
"I hope so, mommy," Martin cried. "I miss him."
"So do I," Karen added her tears mixing with those of her mother's and brother's as the three pushed their faces together in a group hug.
"Dad's leaving us is a lot like what happened to Doug from school," Martin started to say. "Of course it was his dog that went missing not his dad. When Doug was having these sorts of problems they fair called an exterminator."
"Honey, Doug had the same kind of problem we are having? "
"Yeah, he got seasick on the Mayflower when it appeared in his bathroom. He said he threw up all over the side of the ship. That's something you don't hear in history class."
Jenny stood nearly knocking down both of her children.
"Martin call Doug this instant and get the number of whoever they called to keep an raze to their problem."
"But mom, can't we wait until Friday? I have a history test on the crusades coming up," Martin reasoned.
"Dial!" Jenny patted her son on his head fearing her outburst would upset both of her children.
The truck drove into the driveway the next morning. It was a run-down, white van painted with the words "CENTURY EXTERMINATORS-Killin' bugs the right way time after time!" in a variety of colors down the sides of the truck.
"Mrs. Russell, I presume? " asked the man who got out of the vehicle. He was a robust, dirty man with white hair. He wore a archaic tank top, bell-bottoms and a Civil War era cap, Union blue.
"Yes, unfortunately. Please call me Jenny, everyone does," Jenny replied extending her hand to the man. "I was hoping you might have been a exiguous less flamboyant."
"Never hurts to make an entrance. Name's Miller," he said as he loomed over the petite figure of Jenny.
"Not to be rude or short with you," Jenny pressed. "I was wondering if you could help us? "
"My dear, don't be silly, of course I can help. That is why I'm here. Here I am wasting precious time, sorry no pun intended."
"So I'm not crazy? " Jenny asked.
"I can't rightly say for sure, I'm no post hole digger."
Jenny looked confused. "I'm sorry, you're no...? "
"Post hole digger, Ph.D.," Miller laughed at his own joke.
"Sorry," Jenny apologized again. "I keep apologizing to you."
"I get that all the time, there I go again." Miller laughed again.
Jenny sighed in relief. "So how long before we are free and clear of these flies and our time problem is no longer a plight? "
"Hold on, it's a little more complicated than going in there and blasting some bugs."
"They're flies," Martin added.
"Beg your pardon, young buck? " Miller asked, tipping his hat to Martin.
"I said they're flies, not bugs." Martin smiled at the man.
"That they are little man. They're time flies to be exact."
"Time what? " Jenny threw back at Miller.
"Time flies. And not to worry I'm the best exterminator of time flies in the world. Fact, I'm the only exterminator of time flies."
"Business obedient? " Jenny asked harshly.
"Great, thanks for asking," Miller replied nonchalantly.
Jenny sat down and waited for the next weight to hit her.
"Is Mister Russell around, perhaps out back? " Miller asked gingerly.
Jenny blew a tuff of her hair that fell from her bangs and felt her eyes begin to water. Martin, sensing his mother's injure, rushed to his mother's side clutching her arm in comfort.
Miller took a step wait on from the notice Martin gave him. Martin was protecting his mother from any more hurt. Miller respected that.
"There is a Mister Russell," Jenny said painfully not knowing if Mister Russell was coming back to his family.
"There is no need to continue with this conversation. 'Nuff said, lets move on."
"You inspect...he..." Jenny cried.
"No, no. Say no more. We have more famous things to do."
"I certainly hope you know what you're doing," Jenny said. "No offense intended.
"None taken. Now, there may be some side effects to exterminating these flies," Miller said.
"Side effects? Like what? " Jenny was afraid of the answer.
"Loss of memory, pets, even family members," Miller stated.
"Whoa, uninteresting down, Miller. What are you saying? I may lose my kids to these flies? " Jenny said overreacting.
"Maybe you should sign the waiver first," Miller famed. "Or catch a minute to read over the heavenly print? "
"Let me see this waiver," Jenny insisted waiting for Miller to produce the document.
"Look, all I'm sayin' is that when we mess with time queer things can and usually do happen." Miller removed his hat to scratch his head.
Jenny nearly laughed, more like cried depending how you looked at it, at the words of the waiver.
"Forget it!" Jenny shouted throwing the waiver back at Miller. She turned to walk away when gravity was lost and suddenly they were all floating in air. "I've gone insane. That's the real truth, isn't it? "
"Look, we're on the moon," Martin shouted.
The year was 1969 and Neil Armstrong stared at her through his helmet a little dazed and confused.
"Houston, this is one giant step for..." Armstrong began when suddenly Jenny was gone.
She was back in her driveway picking herself up off the asphalt. Gravity had been restored. Miller had also to pick himself up.
"And there I thought the moon had been faked on a film stage in L.A.", Miller said with a slight laugh.
Jenny was less amused. "All right, I will sign the waiver if you promise to work quick."
Miller said nothing as he handed Jenny the waiver and contract. Jenny ignored the cost, as she no longer cared how remarkable this was going to cost.
"May be a bad time to mention that I get paid by the hour," Miller joked as sunset turned into the Dark Ages.
Later that night, at dinner, as the battle of the bulge was being fought in Martin's bedroom, Jenny took a handful of aspirin.
"I don't want the fun to stop," Karen shouted in glee. Jenny couldn't imagine this was fun at any age.
"Fun? " Jenny snapped, immediately wishing she hadn't. "This is far from fun."
A grenade rolled down the stairs and exploded, knocking the lights out and a picture of Max's parents went crashing to the floor. Jenny allowed herself a smile at this as her in-laws always exploded on them about different topics.
"Well, one problem taken care of," Miller said, blood splattered across his shirt.
Jenny ran to him. "Oh my god, Miller, you've been shot!"
"I have? " Miller said, as he looked himself over. "Oh, the blood. 'Fraid it ain't mine, darling. Had to patch up a grunt who took a nasty mortar hit in the gut of all places. You know I was once an army medic."
"What dilemma did you say you fixed? "
"Our time problem."
"Excuse me? " Jenny replied. "But isn't World War II still being fought in my son's bedroom? "
"Yes, precisely my point."
"What in the blazes are you saying? " Jenny screamed. Jenny's scream sent Karen running for Martin's arms.
"I have established where the portal is," Miller proudly announced.
"So we won't be going back in time anymore? " Jenny took a stab.
"Not exactly, now you understand I haven't eliminated the flies totally," Miller said coyly.
Jenny's screech could have broken several dishes but didn't. Once she calmed down and comforted her children she turned back to Miller who was standing, rubbing his ringing ears.
"Listen, it's the first step. Remember, I'm a professional. I've been doin' this for years."
Chamberlin County Fire and Rescue were very confused and not the least bit amused, although quick in their response time, when arriving to set out the napalm fire that scorched Jenny's backyard.
Jenny gave up supplying explanations and just listened to the firefighters go on and on about the dangers of napalm.
"You're fired!" bellowed Jenny at Miller.
"Wow, where's the fire little lady? " Miller said before looking out the window to see the fire trucks pulling away.
"No more excuses, I want results," Jenny snapped.
"C'mon, don't look at me like that," Miller, laughed. Jenny did not.
Miller said nothing else as he methodically went back to work.
"You're upright, Miller, this is definitely better," Jenny, replied trying not to lose her temper. Standing in her laundry room, or what was left of it, were President Nixon and an entire camera crew. Jenny's washer and dryer now held up the president's desk in the oval office.
"Well, I'll be..." Miller said. "Old tricky Dick, himself. Gotta love him."
"Hey, isn't this his resignation speech? "
"Sounds like the one."
The time flies then buzzed around Nixon's head and he was gone just in time too as a mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex burst through the wall and snapped up the washer and dryer.
"Wonder if the warranty covers that? " Miller asked.
Jenny pulled him away so he was not lunch for the T. Rex.
"When am I getting my life back, Miller? "
"Soon, promise."
"How soon? "
"All we have to do is tent the house."
The tent over the house was extremely unnerving to Jenny, it could have been that she and the kids were quiet living inside of it at the time of the fumigation, Jenny was too tired to discuss it.
"This is a can't miss dilemma solver, you'll see," Miller said cheerfully.
"Then why didn't we do this in the first place? "
"Calm, we must listen," Miller replied ignoring the question.
The next morning, Jenny awoke to the sound of her alarm clock. A sound she had opinion she would never miss hearing. She was wrong. She hopped out of bed, raced to check on the kids, they were sleeping in their beds, safe and in no danger of being eaten, crushed or shot by history.
Room by room she inspected there was nothing out of the ordinary.
There were no battles in either kid's rooms, nor were any dinosaurs chasing the local dogs. Noah had finally vacated her shower and there was no oval office in the laundry room.
A knock on the front door, Jenny opened it and saw Miller standing there smiling.
"You did it," Jenny exclaimed.
"We did it, and thank you." Miller blushed.
"No, thank you." Jenny gave Miller a hug. He blushed even more.
"If you ever have another problem like this again, just look me up," Miller said handing Jenny the bill and his business card.
"I hope I never see you for this reason again," Jenny laughed.
Later, while Jenny was still cleaning up from her and her kids adventure the front door opened and someone walked in.
Jenny rushed to the door with an arrow that had stuck in picture. Max, her husband, stood there holding a gallon of milk.
"I'm home," he announced.
Jenny eyed him then hugged him mightily. Martin and Karen were down stairs in a flash and immediately on their father.
"Where have you been? " Karen asked.
"I just went out to obtain some milk, you guys act as if it has been years since you've seen me."
"We're unbiased glad you're home," Jenny said squeezing her husband.
"Boy, it does seem like I've been gone for some time," Max said.
They then made their device to the kitchen. Jenny began to sizzle some bacon as Max reached for the door to the refrigerator. As he was placing the new jug of milk into the freezer he noticed on the label.
"This is truly exclusive," Max noted.
"What's that? " Jenny asked.
"This milk is outdated already, I swore I picked up a new one."
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